Kids Know the Truth

Today,  Laura Bennett, star of Project Runaway, wrote about favorite children in her column for The Daily Beast (thedaily beast.com/blogs-and-stories/2008-12-09/the-dirty-little-secret-of-motherhood) Bennett believes all mothers have favorite kids, and kids know it whether mothers admit it or not. Laura, I couldn’t agree with you more. 

There are no secrets in families, especially regarding who’s the favorite. Everyone knows the truth. Bennett talks about “The List,” her kids acknowledging that their behaviors can earn them the position of favorite. Kids in other families joke about who’s the favorite.

 Favoritism is not  bad. Response to it can be bad, such as pretending that favoritism doesn’t exist, not being honest about who’s the favorite,  or pressuring people to not talk honestly about it. Being honest and communicating is essentail to the welfare of the entire family.

In addition to honesty and communication, fluidness of special child status helps to insure that favoritism is a blessing. Parents probably prefer one age to another: smiling infants are more appealing than combative adolescents. Parents preferring  art  to sports probably favor children interested in museuming over children preferring playing outdoor sports on cold, wind days.

What matters is that all kids have their turn at being the favorite, that family interactions not be rigid with all but one child closed out of the special relationship.  Favoritism that is fluid, when all kids have their fair share of the special treatment, helps to insure healthy kids and healthy families.

Sarah Palin as John McCain’s Fvorite Daughter

        Distancing himself from the Bush administration, McCain proclaimed that his White House would not operate under the umbrella of secrecy of the current administration. He pledged a McCain White House would cooperate with congressional investigations, not conceal information or claim executive privilege as casually as the Bush White House. So what’s up with his response to Sarah Palin? Why isn’t he insisting she return to Alaska and to clean up Troopergate?

As I look at the relationship between McCain and Palin from the point of view of someone who has studied and treated favorite children, I see a relationship that echoes that of a father and his favorite daughter.           

A favorite daughter knows how to make her father feel good. She gives him something special, something he needs, something no one else does. In return, this daughter gets special privileges. She isn’t held accountable the way that her father holds others accountable. In this exchange, her morals – her sense of right and wrong – can be compromised. This describes the relationship between Sarah Palin and John McCain.

Having selected Sarah Palin as his running mate, McCain selected a partner who stirred enthusiasm among voters. This young and energetic former beauty queen excited crowds that this older man, body stiffened from war injuries, could not. Palin, in return, had the opportunity to be the first female vice-president of the United States, her career catapulted beyond imagination. This woman, with conservative views, challenged traditional views associated with feminism and has became a symbol  that profoundly impacts the feminist movement.

As Palin introduces McCain to rousing crowds, he smiles from ear to ear, his delight transparent. She loosens up audiences who translate their enthusiasm to support for the McCain/Palin ticket. Like a father’s favorite daughter, Palin is masterful at contributing to McCain’s good feelings about  himself. And, in return, this “favorite daughter” is rewarded by not being held accountable to rules.

As governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin is being investigated for unlawful influence over state trooper firings, the possible scandal named Troopergate. If McCain were to hold her accountable for her behavior – reflecting his campaign promise that people in his administration would be held responsible for their actions – he would insist that she, her husband, and her staff cooperate fully with the state investigation. McCain would not tolerate Palin, or any of her associates, stone walling or impeding the investigation.

Rather, collusion, born out of this special relationship between McCain and Palin, continues. In exchange for making McCain feel good, Palin is not held accountable by him for her questionable behavior. Presumably, other staff in a McCain White House will be held to higher standards.

John McCain, Another favorite child runs for president!

During the Republican Convention, I watched the screen as Roberta McCain, the bright and articulate ninety six year old mother of the Republican Presidential Candidate spoke of her son with an enormous smile across her face. The message was: Johnny was always special.

As a therapist who has studied many favorite sons and daughters, it’s clear to me that John McCain possesses so many of the traits of a child who grew up as his mother’s favorite and  without a father actively engaged in his life to counter balance  this special status. He follows in the path of George Bush and Bill Clinton., and other powerful leaders who think it OK to spin the truth – as Clinton did during the Monica Lewinsky scandal; and to push boundaries – as Bush did in condoning illegal activities occurring during his administration. Favorite children learn how to evade accountability for their questionable behaviors.

John McCain, named after two four star admirals, his father and grandfather, followed in the footsteps of these great men, just as a favorite is expected to do. However, as he went along with the drill, he also found his own way to push the boundaries—as many favorites do—getting away with behaviors that siblings may not have been able to, and learning the dangerous lesson that they can bend the rules and even alter the truth.

John McCain graduated at the bottom of his class at the naval academy getting into all kinds of trouble. At the Academy he learned there are consequences for not following the rules, and acknowledges that his demerits were off the charts. After graduation, he  became a pilot who flew fast planes and lived life on the fast track. Again he pushed limits to the extreme.

During his acceptance speech at the convention, McCain talked about having been a prisoner of war. It was that dramatic experience that taught him to take responsibility more seriously, to behave with more integrity.

Growing up as the anointed child, John McCain, learned about power and leadership. He also learned about pushing boundaries and getting away with unacceptable behaviors. His training at the naval academy held him accountable for breaking the rules but the lessons did not solidify until after he had been a prisoner of war. As a possible president of the United States, we have to hope that he learned well the lesson of moral leadership and will not succumb to the pitfalls of having grown up a favorite child.

FDR – Favorite Child Who Paid the Price

Mental health professionals agree that  mother/child attachment is fundamental to healthy child development. In healthy attachments, mothers experience their children with identities separate from their’s. In unhealthy attachments, mothers confuse their identities with their children’s. For example, when an infant cries and can not be soothed,  a mother whose attachment is healthy accepts her baby’s needs to fuss while the mother with an unhealthy attachment becomes irrationally frustrated and somewhat self loathing. Mother may  prefer the infant who does not fuss because she feels better about her self even though the child’s calm may have nothing to do with her.

Favoritism originates from the  gratification the child stimulates within the mother. These good feelings are rooted in the mother’s unconscious needs and may have little to do with the child per se. When favoritism originates from healthy attachment, children experience the rewards of favoritism, such as feeling empowered, with minimal negative repercussions; and when it originates from unhealthy attachment, negative repercussions, such as damaged intimate relationships, are pronounced.

The relationship between Sara Roosevelt and her son, Franklin Deleno Roosevelt, is an example of favoritism that inspite of its benefits, political power, came with considerable personal cost, damaged interpersonal relationshipst. Bonnie Angelo, author of First Mothers  describes FDR’s favorite child status as a function of his mother’s need to have a perfect son:

Sara Roosevelt was never pregnant again (after the birth of FDR).  Perhaps her near death experience (during Franklin’s birth) was too frightening to risk repeating. Or perhaps she was so confident that hers was the perfect child, there was really no need to have another. Whatever the circumstances, … this child would be the work of her life, her momument…. And she was quite determiend that her son would outshine his half brother,  James, her husband’s son by his much admired first wife….Every second wife wants to win the inevitable comparison with her predecessor, and a successful son was the primary way for a woman of Sara’s era to triumph.

As Angelo continues to describe the relationship between Sara Roosevelt and her son Franklin, it is apparent that Sara controlled this favorite son  throughout his life. He remained as attached to her as she was to him. Their relationship with one another remained the primary relationship throughout each their lives. In spite of his profound career,  the personal life of FDR was  compromised – his marriage unhappy and Eleanor shamed, his relationship with his children challanged and their lives sad.

Robert Gross in his recent comments succinctly encapsulates the parenting struggle: How do parents come to understand that the children they are raising are separate people - independent of themselves – who need the support of parents to be all of whom they can be?

Tell us about your parenting experiences. Are you aware of ways in which your child validates you as a parent, and does that validation reinforce loving feelings towards that child?

Tell us about your childhood experiences.  Were there particular behaviors – a hug, a kiss, good grades, completing chores –  that would insure a predictable and desired response from a parent?

No Family Secrets

Inside a family, there are no secrets. There are certainties - conscious and unconscious, acknowledged and unacknowledged -that govern the dynamics. As a young therapist, I remember observing Carl Whitaker, a renown family therapist from the University of Wisconsin, working with families.  Many family members, ten or more,  could be in the session. Among the participants, in addition to parents and children,  were grandparents, aunts, uncles, and children younger than five. Dr. Whitaker  asked  routine questions of the group: Who was favorite in this genration and who in the prior? Who got cut the most slack and why? Who got in to most trouble? Families agreed quickly and unanimously about roles, their costs and benefits, within the family. Commonly, families agreed on nothing else!

In my work as a psychotherapist, I continue to be amazed by the concurrence between husbands and wives , parents and children, siblings – young and old – regarding roles, status and privilege within the family.  In discussions with colleagues and supervision of therapists, my observations have been strongly reinforced. What for me as a young therapist was intriguing observation has morphed in to a working  hypothesis in my work with families.

Validating self reporting and professional  observations would be an exciting project for a dissertation but the absence of such research does not diminish the importance of sensitive clinical observations over many years. These observations have taught us  that (1) as children, favorites  are generally confident and determined to get their own way. They grow up feeling powerful in the world.  (2)When one child in the family occupies favorite child status, that person is more likely to mature with interpersonal difficulties. When each child in the family occupies favorite child status, all the children are more likely to be better balanced emotionally.  (3)Parents working collaboratively with their spouse or others are more likely to bring up  emotionally stable  favorite children.

 How did your family operate? Did you grow up in a family where all the kids believed they were the favorite? Or where each child believed that another child was the favorite? Or where there was consensus that one child was the favorite? Please share your experiences as we continue to explore this fascinating subject.

Cost of favoritism

In responding to my last posting, Andy, Ellen and Jeremiah inferred that there are no secrets within a family – the identity of the favorite child is known. As kids growing up, the favorite child is often the focus of envy. As a adults, the cost of favoritism becomes more evident.

Jeremiah writes “The favorite in my family has always had a sympathetic ear as well as unyielding support.” A sympathetic ear and unyielding support are loving experiences desired by all kids. But, if parental support stops there, the child does not learn important life skills of accountability and responsibility. The favorite child is less likely to learn these essential skills: the powerful parent is more likely to feel sorry for the child, solve problems that the child needs to learn to solve for himself, colluded with the child’s belief of having been treated unfairly by others. Such responses may resolve the immediate crisis but does not serve the long term interests of the child.

Jeremiah’s description of his sister has elements common to many favorite child stories: “dependent,” “still very much the baby of the family,” “unable to pry herself from my mother.” His observation sugggests that she is unhappy: she is overweight and requires a man if she is not with mom.

Jeremiah, I am curious – do you think that your sister would describe herself as unhappy? How does she understand her weight issues? Also, you write that your siblings were “dismayed” by your sister’s favorite child status; how was their dismay reflected? Any ideas why your sister was awarded favorite child status? I’d love to continue our dialogue. The story is common and there is so much for all of us to learn.

Jeremiah’s story presents only a partial picture. There are favorite children whose success in life is attributable to those skills they learned as favorite children. Every president since FDR was a favorite child according to Bonnie Angelo, a respected biographer of presidents.

Are your experiences similar to Jeremiah’s or different? I am intersted in your stories and experiences. Please share them

The pressure to be perfect

The simple words “favorite child” pushes peoples’ buttons. Everyone has a story or association. Last night I told a stranger that I am working on a book about the favorite child and he told me his story. He wants me to use his story in my book. Here goes…

His dad was a public official. Everything at home was about looking good, about what the public would think. “My dad had been the favorite child in his family and I was his favorite. My dad could do no wrong and I could do no wrong. ”

At ten he started drinking beer, leaving cans everywhere. “I think I wanted them to know that I wasn’t perfect. What I learned was that I could get away with doing something I knew was wrong. Dad’s spin was amazing, that the beer cans weren’t mine but were from my cousin’s visit or left by the gardener!! I learned how to spin the truth, how to lie to myself.”

It took him two divorces to commit to AA. “There I could begin to be more honest.”

As this man and I chatted, he became more compassionate towards himself, realizing that his drinking had been a cry for help and not only an expression of his resentment of his dad’s preoccupation with work.

Can you relate? I’d like to hear your story.